[SML] Community Theatre Warnings

[Paul Guncheon]

I posted this on Facebook and figured I might as well do it here as well.


*Community Theatre Warnings*

*By p. K Guncheon*

This production contains a dream sequence.

This production contains strobe lights. Also loud noises, haze, and at
least one (if you’re lucky) poorly interpreted character.

This production contains a rain effect, which occasionally drenches certain
areas of the audience. (Please Note: Dry audience areas are reserved for
our season ticket holders. Wouldn’t now would be a fabulous time to ask
about how you too can become one of our season subscriber angels?!!)

This production contains strong language… but not in any valued literary
sense. There are no memorable lines, witty jokes, or pithy observations
whereby characters muse in a way that allows the playwright to make larger
points about the human experience. There are merely words your dad grumbled
while watching the game or your mom muttered when she couldn’t find the
corkscrew.

This production contains a mime.

This production contains a scene in which the actors will be smoking. Be
advised that Carl, the young man playing Cousin Jude, may cough until he
passes out. This is normal and to be expected. Carl has never actually
smoked a cigarette in his life, even though his character explicitly says,
“I been smokin’ ever since I was a li’l kid.” You’d think that Carl might
have done the bare minimum of preparation for the role—it’s his first
acting job since he got his drama degree, and apparently thought he could
wing it. This is par for the course in this production.

This production contains a rambling personal monologue.

This production uses dry ice fog to indicate that a scene is either a happy
dream, a scary dream, a flashback, a passage of time, or taking place in
Europe.

This production contains the plot device of mistaken identity that clearly
doesn't fool anyone.

This production contains two characters who appear fully nude. That’s
actually a bit misleading. It’s the same character, but at different ages.
The first time we see the character nude, he is played by the lithe young
man who plays the extremely hot but single and available doctor on that TV
show. Presumably, most of you are here to see this actor butt naked. If you
are sitting in the orchestra, you will get the fullest view. If you are
sitting in the balcony, it’s not a complete washout, but we recommend you
move down to the orchestra. There should be many available seats. In the
second act, the same character is naked, but he is now played by Peter
Jablownski. Take note that Peter is in his thirty eighth year as a member
of our repertory company and recently celebrated his seventy seventh
birthday (Congratulations Peter!!). If you make it to the second act,
you’re really going to want to head back up to those balcony seats... take
our word for it.

This production contains confusing and unnecessary double casting.

This production contains an uncalled-for musical number… which includes
unfortunate choreography.

This production contains unconvincing stage combat, a poor depiction of
what it’s like to have diabetes, and a didactic speech about the plight of
common man.

This production contains a vast misunderstanding of addiction.

This production contains a shocking ending. Although to be clear, it’s not
a good shock. It’s not the kind of shock where you’re invested in a
character or a story and when things take an unexpected turn, you’re left
with a greater understanding because you realize that the character had no
other choice. This is not Miss Julie walking offstage with a razor or Willy
Loman crashing his car or Oedipus gouging out his own eyes (and although
doing that to yourself might cross your mind during this production, we
humbly request that you do not). It’s the kind of shock that makes you
think, “Have I been watching a different play for the past two hours?
Wasn’t the grandmother supposed to be dead? How did they all wind up in Las
Vegas, and why does the doctor keep mentioning bowler hats and yo-yo’s?”
It’s the type of shock that tells you the director got the job only because
his daddy runs the theatre company, and apparently nothing matters in this
life except having a powerful father who runs a theatre company or being
the “background extra holding the rake” in an episode of that cancelled TV
cop show. It’s the kind of shock that indicates that the playwright’s
mother was right and he should have stayed in law school, and that having a
career in the arts is both unstable and incredibly
*not-what-it-was-cracked-up-to
be*.

This production contains an anguished plea to join someone “on their
journey”.

This production will run four and a half hours with one five-minute
intermission.

-30-

Laters,

Paul 1
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