[SML] Community Theatre Warnings

[Steven Haworth]

That is hilarious - definitely saving this one !!

On Thu, Jun 15, 2023 at 7:39 AM Paul Guncheon via Stagecraft <
stagecraft at theatrical.net> wrote:

> I posted this on Facebook and figured I might as well do it here as well.
>
>
> *Community Theatre Warnings*
>
> *By p. K Guncheon*
>
> This production contains a dream sequence.
>
> This production contains strobe lights. Also loud noises, haze, and at
> least one (if you’re lucky) poorly interpreted character.
>
> This production contains a rain effect, which occasionally drenches
> certain areas of the audience. (Please Note: Dry audience areas are
> reserved for our season ticket holders. Wouldn’t now would be a fabulous
> time to ask about how you too can become one of our season subscriber
> angels?!!)
>
> This production contains strong language… but not in any valued literary
> sense. There are no memorable lines, witty jokes, or pithy observations
> whereby characters muse in a way that allows the playwright to make larger
> points about the human experience. There are merely words your dad grumbled
> while watching the game or your mom muttered when she couldn’t find the
> corkscrew.
>
> This production contains a mime.
>
> This production contains a scene in which the actors will be smoking. Be
> advised that Carl, the young man playing Cousin Jude, may cough until he
> passes out. This is normal and to be expected. Carl has never actually
> smoked a cigarette in his life, even though his character explicitly says,
> “I been smokin’ ever since I was a li’l kid.” You’d think that Carl might
> have done the bare minimum of preparation for the role—it’s his first
> acting job since he got his drama degree, and apparently thought he could
> wing it. This is par for the course in this production.
>
> This production contains a rambling personal monologue.
>
> This production uses dry ice fog to indicate that a scene is either a
> happy dream, a scary dream, a flashback, a passage of time, or taking place
> in Europe.
>
> This production contains the plot device of mistaken identity that clearly
> doesn't fool anyone.
>
> This production contains two characters who appear fully nude. That’s
> actually a bit misleading. It’s the same character, but at different ages.
> The first time we see the character nude, he is played by the lithe young
> man who plays the extremely hot but single and available doctor on that TV
> show. Presumably, most of you are here to see this actor butt naked. If you
> are sitting in the orchestra, you will get the fullest view. If you are
> sitting in the balcony, it’s not a complete washout, but we recommend you
> move down to the orchestra. There should be many available seats. In the
> second act, the same character is naked, but he is now played by Peter
> Jablownski. Take note that Peter is in his thirty eighth year as a member
> of our repertory company and recently celebrated his seventy seventh
> birthday (Congratulations Peter!!). If you make it to the second act,
> you’re really going to want to head back up to those balcony seats... take
> our word for it.
>
> This production contains confusing and unnecessary double casting.
>
> This production contains an uncalled-for musical number… which includes
> unfortunate choreography.
>
> This production contains unconvincing stage combat, a poor depiction of
> what it’s like to have diabetes, and a didactic speech about the plight of
> common man.
>
> This production contains a vast misunderstanding of addiction.
>
> This production contains a shocking ending. Although to be clear, it’s not
> a good shock. It’s not the kind of shock where you’re invested in a
> character or a story and when things take an unexpected turn, you’re left
> with a greater understanding because you realize that the character had no
> other choice. This is not Miss Julie walking offstage with a razor or Willy
> Loman crashing his car or Oedipus gouging out his own eyes (and although
> doing that to yourself might cross your mind during this production, we
> humbly request that you do not). It’s the kind of shock that makes you
> think, “Have I been watching a different play for the past two hours?
> Wasn’t the grandmother supposed to be dead? How did they all wind up in Las
> Vegas, and why does the doctor keep mentioning bowler hats and yo-yo’s?”
> It’s the type of shock that tells you the director got the job only because
> his daddy runs the theatre company, and apparently nothing matters in this
> life except having a powerful father who runs a theatre company or being
> the “background extra holding the rake” in an episode of that cancelled TV
> cop show. It’s the kind of shock that indicates that the playwright’s
> mother was right and he should have stayed in law school, and that having a
> career in the arts is both unstable and incredibly *not-what-it-was-cracked-up-to
> be*.
>
> This production contains an anguished plea to join someone “on their
> journey”.
>
> This production will run four and a half hours with one five-minute
> intermission.
>
> -30-
>
> Laters,
>
> Paul 1
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