[SML] Community Theatre Warnings

[Pat Kight]

That's hilarious! 


From: "Stagecraft" <stagecraft at theatrical.net> 
To: "Stagecraft" <stagecraft at theatrical.net> 
Cc: "Steven Haworth" <haworth7 at gmail.com> 
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2023 7:36:28 AM 
Subject: Re: [SML] Community Theatre Warnings 

That is hilarious - definitely saving this one !! 

On Thu, Jun 15, 2023 at 7:39 AM Paul Guncheon via Stagecraft < [ mailto:stagecraft at theatrical.net | stagecraft at theatrical.net ] > wrote: 





I posted this on Facebook and figured I might as well do it here as well. 




Community Theatre Warnings 

By p. K Guncheon 

This production contains a dream sequence. 

This production contains strobe lights. Also loud noises, haze, and at least one (if you’re lucky) poorly interpreted character. 

This production contains a rain effect, which occasionally drenches certain areas of the audience. (Please Note: Dry audience areas are reserved for our season ticket holders. Wouldn’t now would be a fabulous time to ask about how you too can become one of our season subscriber angels?!!) 

This production contains strong language… but not in any valued literary sense. There are no memorable lines, witty jokes, or pithy observations whereby characters muse in a way that allows the playwright to make larger points about the human experience. There are merely words your dad grumbled while watching the game or your mom muttered when she couldn’t find the corkscrew. 

This production contains a mime. 

This production contains a scene in which the actors will be smoking. Be advised that Carl, the young man playing Cousin Jude, may cough until he passes out. This is normal and to be expected. Carl has never actually smoked a cigarette in his life, even though his character explicitly says, “I been smokin’ ever since I was a li’l kid.” You’d think that Carl might have done the bare minimum of preparation for the role—it’s his first acting job since he got his drama degree, and apparently thought he could wing it. This is par for the course in this production. 

This production contains a rambling personal monologue. 

This production uses dry ice fog to indicate that a scene is either a happy dream, a scary dream, a flashback, a passage of time, or taking place in Europe. 

This production contains the plot device of mistaken identity that clearly doesn't fool anyone. 

This production contains two characters who appear fully nude. That’s actually a bit misleading. It’s the same character, but at different ages. The first time we see the character nude, he is played by the lithe young man who plays the extremely hot but single and available doctor on that TV show. Presumably, most of you are here to see this actor butt naked. If you are sitting in the orchestra, you will get the fullest view. If you are sitting in the balcony, it’s not a complete washout, but we recommend you move down to the orchestra. There should be many available seats. In the second act, the same character is naked, but he is now played by Peter Jablownski. Take note that Peter is in his thirty eighth year as a member of our repertory company and recently celebrated his seventy seventh birthday (Congratulations Peter!!). If you make it to the second act, you’re really going to want to head back up to those balcony seats... take our word for it. 

This production contains confusing and unnecessary double casting. 

This production contains an uncalled-for musical number… which includes unfortunate choreography. 

This production contains unconvincing stage combat, a poor depiction of what it’s like to have diabetes, and a didactic speech about the plight of common man. 

This production contains a vast misunderstanding of addiction. 

This production contains a shocking ending. Although to be clear, it’s not a good shock. It’s not the kind of shock where you’re invested in a character or a story and when things take an unexpected turn, you’re left with a greater understanding because you realize that the character had no other choice. This is not Miss Julie walking offstage with a razor or Willy Loman crashing his car or Oedipus gouging out his own eyes (and although doing that to yourself might cross your mind during this production, we humbly request that you do not). It’s the kind of shock that makes you think, “Have I been watching a different play for the past two hours? Wasn’t the grandmother supposed to be dead? How did they all wind up in Las Vegas, and why does the doctor keep mentioning bowler hats and yo-yo’s?” It’s the type of shock that tells you the director got the job only because his daddy runs the theatre company, and apparently nothing matters in this life except having a powerful father who runs a theatre company or being the “background extra holding the rake” in an episode of that cancelled TV cop show. It’s the kind of shock that indicates that the playwright’s mother was right and he should have stayed in law school, and that having a career in the arts is both unstable and incredibly not-what-it-was-cracked-up-to be . 

This production contains an anguished plea to join someone “on their journey”. 

This production will run four and a half hours with one five-minute intermission. 

-30- 

Laters, 


Paul 1 
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